the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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