I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
