hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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