Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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