I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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