I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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