I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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