We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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