I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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