I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
