Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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