like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
