she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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