I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just had sex on a roof
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
