i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
