where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
