I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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