he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
