You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
