2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
