I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
