Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
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