I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
