You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
