What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
When did angry sex become our thing?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
