my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
