You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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