you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
