Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
