I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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