can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
