sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Just high enough for therapy.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
