put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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