Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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