Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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