His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
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