Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
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There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
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I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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