Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
