Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
