i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
