The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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