And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
