You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
did i walk over a car last night?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
