the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
