There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
