why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Two words: nipple clamps
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