My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
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she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
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T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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