The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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