I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Never underestimate the power of titties
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