Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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