my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
My feet surprised me
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