i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
