if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
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