I wanna passion pit in your ass
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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