If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You pole danced in your parka.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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