OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
His nipple licking is glorious
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