I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Blood and glitter go together right?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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