It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
